Well the E.J. Tawdrey Alamanack has arrived in my mailbox today and it certainly is a stellar publication, ranking rigfht up there with the Bible and The Poky Little Puppy when it comes to good reading. And is it absorbitant!
Ther new 2009-2010 edition is chock-a-block full of household hints, receipes, and advice for the common man. I see that the weather prognosticator has delcared that we will positively have some in the new year. And they haven't been werong yet, bedad.
There's even a full color centerfold of a bare foot, sponsored by the Association of American Foot Fetishists. They do seem to be gaining a foothold everywhere. 'Spose its because they know how to toe the line and steer clear of ticklish situations.
Our local stores have advertised in the new alamanac, stores such as Phelgm's Dept. Store, proudly not having sales since 1915, and of course the E.J. Tawdrey Co., purveyors of Tawdrey gifts for nearly 100 years.
All in all this is just the perfect book for those long sessions when you're alone with your thoughts, right after a heavy meal, and you have no access to proper lavatory paper. Be sure and get your copy today.
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Some Helpful Advice from...Glut Dollup
Glut Dollup is not a professional advisor, but merely a concerned father. He is also the poet-laurate of Tawdreyville and owner of the largest slaughter house in the tri-county area.
Recently his daughter, Petunia, turned 13 and in an effort to tell her about the "birds and bees" he wrote down some thoughts in a lovely poem. Mr. Dollup had graciously allowed us here to reprint the poem, in hopes that it will help other parents when it comes time to tell their children about the facts of life.
Petunia my dearest, Oh lovely Miss Dollup,
It is my fervent hope that you don't become a trollop.
You've reached a new milestone, and everything's quakey,
But don't just let your morals become shakey.
For being with a boy has quite a ring,
And everyone likes a little bling,
But nine months later you'll have a little thing,
That only that dastardly stork can bring.
So keep your legs closed, your undies in the freezer,
Or your old man will swat you on the beezer.
Oh dear Petunia, darling Miss Dollup,
Here' s hoping you don't grow up to be a trollop.
Like your sister.
Now THAT'S poetry!!!!!
Recently his daughter, Petunia, turned 13 and in an effort to tell her about the "birds and bees" he wrote down some thoughts in a lovely poem. Mr. Dollup had graciously allowed us here to reprint the poem, in hopes that it will help other parents when it comes time to tell their children about the facts of life.
Petunia my dearest, Oh lovely Miss Dollup,
It is my fervent hope that you don't become a trollop.
You've reached a new milestone, and everything's quakey,
But don't just let your morals become shakey.
For being with a boy has quite a ring,
And everyone likes a little bling,
But nine months later you'll have a little thing,
That only that dastardly stork can bring.
So keep your legs closed, your undies in the freezer,
Or your old man will swat you on the beezer.
Oh dear Petunia, darling Miss Dollup,
Here' s hoping you don't grow up to be a trollop.
Like your sister.
Now THAT'S poetry!!!!!
Some Thoughts on the Subject of Feet, by Tobias Hackner
Feet, those glorious pedal extremities placed conveniently on the end of your legs to keep your shins from fraying. How I love them. Is that so wrong? Ask yourself this question? If it wasn't for feet, how could we run away from danger, or responsibility? Hmm?
Think about all of the wonderful things you can do with feet. You can dance with them (well you can use them for dancing--you can't actually dance with them, unless they're detachable), you can stand on tip toe, you can sneak around on your loved ones with them, and best of all, you can tickle them.
I think back to those glorious nights in old Austria, when I was a young lad. Oh the ladies that would parade their feet around me. And I, being red-blooded and perverted--er, I mean verile-yes, that's it--verile--would sidle up to them, and engage them in conversation. Then, when they least expected it, out would come the chloroform. One whiff and they were usually out like a light.
Then I would take them to my special "playroom" and we would have a lot of laughs. Well, to be honest, they would be the ones laughing, as I used all of my "devices" on their sensitive bare feet. Then I would---
THE REST OF THIS POSTING HAS BEEN CENSORED BY ORDER OF E.J. TAWDREY. IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO READ ABOUT MR. HACKNER'S EXPLOITS IN DETAIL, THEN YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A WEASELLY LITTLE PERVERT WHAT OUGHT TO BE SEALED IN A SMALL CELL FOR ALL ETERNITY.
SERIOUSLY, HACKNER'S ACCOUNT IS REALLY HOT--TRUST ME. THE LAST LINE ABOVE WAS MAINLY TO THROW MR. TAWDREY OFF THE SCENT--THOUGH THE BIG HYPOCRITE IS KNOWN TO TICKLE A FEW LADIES FROM TIME TO TIME HIMSELF. BUT SINCE HE'S RICH ITS OKAY. THERE ALWAYS SEEMS TO BE ONE LAW FOR THE RICH AND ONE FOR THE POOR AND SEXUALLY FRUSTRATED. I TELL YOU, I---
This post has been re-censored by DOPES, the Decent Oppressed People Everywhere Society, who are also, I might add, heavily into tickling.
Think about all of the wonderful things you can do with feet. You can dance with them (well you can use them for dancing--you can't actually dance with them, unless they're detachable), you can stand on tip toe, you can sneak around on your loved ones with them, and best of all, you can tickle them.
I think back to those glorious nights in old Austria, when I was a young lad. Oh the ladies that would parade their feet around me. And I, being red-blooded and perverted--er, I mean verile-yes, that's it--verile--would sidle up to them, and engage them in conversation. Then, when they least expected it, out would come the chloroform. One whiff and they were usually out like a light.
Then I would take them to my special "playroom" and we would have a lot of laughs. Well, to be honest, they would be the ones laughing, as I used all of my "devices" on their sensitive bare feet. Then I would---
THE REST OF THIS POSTING HAS BEEN CENSORED BY ORDER OF E.J. TAWDREY. IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO READ ABOUT MR. HACKNER'S EXPLOITS IN DETAIL, THEN YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A WEASELLY LITTLE PERVERT WHAT OUGHT TO BE SEALED IN A SMALL CELL FOR ALL ETERNITY.
SERIOUSLY, HACKNER'S ACCOUNT IS REALLY HOT--TRUST ME. THE LAST LINE ABOVE WAS MAINLY TO THROW MR. TAWDREY OFF THE SCENT--THOUGH THE BIG HYPOCRITE IS KNOWN TO TICKLE A FEW LADIES FROM TIME TO TIME HIMSELF. BUT SINCE HE'S RICH ITS OKAY. THERE ALWAYS SEEMS TO BE ONE LAW FOR THE RICH AND ONE FOR THE POOR AND SEXUALLY FRUSTRATED. I TELL YOU, I---
This post has been re-censored by DOPES, the Decent Oppressed People Everywhere Society, who are also, I might add, heavily into tickling.
An Apology For My Lack of Committment
I must start off by apologizing to everyone, all one of you, who read this blog like it is the word of God. I haven't written much lately because, frankly, I find it diffcult to be amusing when I am not feeling well. I wish I could just turn on the wittiness like a faucet--but nothing gets better if you "faucet", you know.
Then there is Mr. Tawdrey, who has put a gag order on this blog. It was at the recent town meeting where he got up and railed against this blog and me, shouting things like, "I haven't got time to pander to the lowest common denominators of society who hang around their computers like they were trying to ask them to marry them. Why don't they drag their pale bodies into the sun and interact with flesh and blood human-beings? Huh?!"
Then he began to rant at a fever pitch, which led to the enevitable foaming at the mouth and falling over backwards. Finally two attendants had to place him in a straightjacket and haul his sorry carcas away on a dolly. Dolly Mickelmass, to be specific. And she was none to pleased to have Mr. Tawdrey placed on top of her and hauled out. And who can blame her? Well, I can think of a lot of people. But that's neither here nor there. As the lawyer trying desperately to keep those named in the will from striking each other with axes said, "Let's not split heirs!"
But I digress....
Now where was I? Oh yes. So this is why I haven't written anything. I trust you'll understand. And even if you don't, who cares?
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Some Labor Day Thoughts, from E.J. Tawdrey
Labor Day, huh? Yet another day off for slackers and malcontents. And what will they be doing on their day off? Whinging about how awful their jobs are and how hard they have to work, while in actuality it is us, the business owners, who work the hardest, making sure those greedy, unwashed bottom feeders who work for us don't rob us blind. If I had a quarter for every time a so-called "employee" took an unwarranted bathroom break or a lunch break, I'd be even richer than I am now (and I am hugely rich!!). Let them have bodily functions on their own time and as for eating--isn't that what they should be doing in the privacy of their own homes? These breaks rob me of time--time which could be used to manufacture more of the fine products which my company produces.
But noooooo! The Feds up in DC (lousy commie rats the lot of 'em) insist that this is a holiday--and what's worse--a paid holiday at that! So there's nothing I can do but close the sweat sh---I mean the clean and well-ventilated factory and allow everyone to enjoy their day off.
So wallow in the muck, you filthy pieces of primordial ooze--you slugs--you mouth-breathers (and I mean that in a good way)--enjoy your picnics and hot dogs and families--for its going to be a long time before the next holiday--and till then just remember, I own you and plan to work you till you drop!!!!
Oh, and remember our company slogan, if you really care about someone, get them a Tawdrey gift. Now get out of my sight--you all depress me.
______
Thank you for those inspirational words, Mr. Tawdrey, sir.
But noooooo! The Feds up in DC (lousy commie rats the lot of 'em) insist that this is a holiday--and what's worse--a paid holiday at that! So there's nothing I can do but close the sweat sh---I mean the clean and well-ventilated factory and allow everyone to enjoy their day off.
So wallow in the muck, you filthy pieces of primordial ooze--you slugs--you mouth-breathers (and I mean that in a good way)--enjoy your picnics and hot dogs and families--for its going to be a long time before the next holiday--and till then just remember, I own you and plan to work you till you drop!!!!
Oh, and remember our company slogan, if you really care about someone, get them a Tawdrey gift. Now get out of my sight--you all depress me.
______
Thank you for those inspirational words, Mr. Tawdrey, sir.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
AN NOW AN IMPORTENT WORD FROM E.J. TAWDREY
Pickles.
THIS HAS BEEN AN IMPORTANT WORD FROM E.J. TAWDREY.
THIS HAS BEEN AN IMPORTANT WORD FROM E.J. TAWDREY.
Monday, August 31, 2009
And Now, An Editorial From A Whack Job
(From time to time, we here at the Tawdrey News, allow people to write in with their opinions. After we get done laughing at them and ridculing them we sometimes even publish them. This is one of those times.)
I'd like to thank the editor of this blog for allowing me the space to comment on something that is sure to affect all of our lives. I'm talking about health care reform, specifically our President's new plans.
Now I don't read newspapers or watch TV--they're both tools of Satan, but I do listen to unfounded rumors and what I've heard recently made the hairs on my cyst stand up. Can you believe that our President, Al Jolson, has actually proposed that we catch and kill anyone over the age of 40 and grind them into a fine flour and in turn bake the flour into tasty snack cakes with which to feed children on? I couldn't believe it, but my friend who told this to me never hardly lies.
I think this is heinous! Its outageous! I mean, everyone knows people over 60 make the best flour! And why should children be the only recipients of tasty snack cakes? Hm? Why not middle aged men who frequent children's beauty pageants in their rain coats be allowed to sup from this life-giving force?
I think Pres. Sammy Davis Jr. should go back to the Rat Pack where he belongs and leave the running (and the killing and milling of the elderly) to those who truly know what they are doing. Why did we elect a one-eyed singer in the first place? Personally, I voted for Harry Truman at the last election. Oh, true, he'll have to drop the bomb in order to get those dirty yellow nips to come around to our way of thinking, but at least he has a comely daughter who can't sing a lick. And he is from Independence,MO, for corn sakes!
Oh well, just remember, they laughed at Bob Hope.
Sincerley,
E.J. Gobblsox (Mrs.)
(Mrs. G.'s views are not necessarily the views followed by this blog (well maybe by Mr. Tawdrey) so don't get all screechy and up in our grill about this letter. This is the last time we will be running an editoral comment. Oh, and please address all hate mail to the dead letter office. c/o your local post office.)
I'd like to thank the editor of this blog for allowing me the space to comment on something that is sure to affect all of our lives. I'm talking about health care reform, specifically our President's new plans.
Now I don't read newspapers or watch TV--they're both tools of Satan, but I do listen to unfounded rumors and what I've heard recently made the hairs on my cyst stand up. Can you believe that our President, Al Jolson, has actually proposed that we catch and kill anyone over the age of 40 and grind them into a fine flour and in turn bake the flour into tasty snack cakes with which to feed children on? I couldn't believe it, but my friend who told this to me never hardly lies.
I think this is heinous! Its outageous! I mean, everyone knows people over 60 make the best flour! And why should children be the only recipients of tasty snack cakes? Hm? Why not middle aged men who frequent children's beauty pageants in their rain coats be allowed to sup from this life-giving force?
I think Pres. Sammy Davis Jr. should go back to the Rat Pack where he belongs and leave the running (and the killing and milling of the elderly) to those who truly know what they are doing. Why did we elect a one-eyed singer in the first place? Personally, I voted for Harry Truman at the last election. Oh, true, he'll have to drop the bomb in order to get those dirty yellow nips to come around to our way of thinking, but at least he has a comely daughter who can't sing a lick. And he is from Independence,MO, for corn sakes!
Oh well, just remember, they laughed at Bob Hope.
Sincerley,
E.J. Gobblsox (Mrs.)
(Mrs. G.'s views are not necessarily the views followed by this blog (well maybe by Mr. Tawdrey) so don't get all screechy and up in our grill about this letter. This is the last time we will be running an editoral comment. Oh, and please address all hate mail to the dead letter office. c/o your local post office.)
Friday, August 28, 2009
The News For Friday, Aug. 28, 2009
Cousin Ezra is still at large. You will remember that he escaped from his attic home at Ma Payewackit's Boarding House over two weeks ago as she was changing his straw mat and he has been on the run ever since. Persons are warned not to approach him as he is a fruit cake. Anyone seeing him should call the nearest policeman (or his wife) and let them try to capture him. Ezra was last seen skulking around the Tawdrey Industrial Laundry and Old Folks Home.
There is no reward for his capture.
******
Ed Fenske, $2.00 Extortionist, was arrested yesterday for attempted blackmail of the right Rev. Clayton Uptight of the St. Scomarchnin Lutheran Church. He would have gotten away with it, but Pastor Uptight didn't have anything smaller than a $5.00 bill and Ed Fenske, $2.00 Extortionist, would only accept--you guessed it--$2.00. Ed is awaiting trial before Judge Reinhold "Shoot first--that's all--just shoot first" McFlappdappler. His case comes up next week. His breakfast comes up an hour after he eats it.
*****
And that's that for the news this week. See you Monday. Till then, wipe that grin off your face, you son of ole' Scratch, you. Oh, btw, how was YOUR week, hmmmm????
There is no reward for his capture.
******
Ed Fenske, $2.00 Extortionist, was arrested yesterday for attempted blackmail of the right Rev. Clayton Uptight of the St. Scomarchnin Lutheran Church. He would have gotten away with it, but Pastor Uptight didn't have anything smaller than a $5.00 bill and Ed Fenske, $2.00 Extortionist, would only accept--you guessed it--$2.00. Ed is awaiting trial before Judge Reinhold "Shoot first--that's all--just shoot first" McFlappdappler. His case comes up next week. His breakfast comes up an hour after he eats it.
*****
And that's that for the news this week. See you Monday. Till then, wipe that grin off your face, you son of ole' Scratch, you. Oh, btw, how was YOUR week, hmmmm????
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Back From The Nether Regions
Hello Tawdrey News fans (all one of you)--it is I, Nasal Noteworthy, your poison-penned pundit of peculiar prose with big news--my computer is now fixed (though I can't get my printer to work) and I am back with more nauseating news from Tawdreyville, where every other child is exceptional, quite a few women are handsome and many of the men are down right purty.
BREAKING NEWS!!!!!
THE ROGUE UTERUS HAS BEEN CAUGHT!!!!!!
The uterus that escaped from the body of Mrs. Edith Frund has been successfully recaptured. It seems that the uterus was trying to kite at a local bank when it was apprehended. A line-up was begun and Mrs. Frund picked it out first crack. "I'd know that any where," she said. "After all, you don't have something in your body that long without recognizing it." Mr. Frund was noticibly offended by that last remark, but as he was the father of 22 his look was mistaken for one of abject misery.
The uterus was released into the body cavity of Mrs. Frund until its trial date. No word on the woman it kidnapped. She is presumed dead. "Bad luck, that," said Sheriff Lemar "Kill 'em all" Chopnofsky, "But at least that ladies thingy is back in Mrs. Frund."
********
With the close of summer it is not too early to begin thinking about Easter, and Phelgm's Dept. Store is ready with all your egg-coloring, rabbit buying, and candy eating needs. New this year is the customized dead rabbit, a great conversation piece and a learning toy for the kiddies. Every child should know about death, and what better way to teach them than by getting them a customized dead rabbit. Each rabbit comes with a miniature scalpel, for performing an autopsy, and a can of spray pait for writing the name of the child on it's pelt. And Phelgm's reminds its patrons that these rabbit kits will NOT be on sale.
That's Phelgm's Dept. Store, proudly not having sales since 1915.
*******
Mayor Applewhanger and the entire police force once again tried unsuccessfully to turn Ma Pyewackit and her son Henry into the street, but as long as Ma has those pictures of the Mayor and the choral group, and the dachsund, he will be forever thwarted it seems.
********
The Howzaboutaplay Company, our local community theater group, is proud to announce that it will be presenting the play "Equus", staring Leona Lumpkin as Lady Godiva and her goiter as the white charger she rides on. Also in the cast are Alonzo Martayne as Hitler and Fredo Lonesdale as the mysterious man in the soiled trenchcoat. Tickets are now on sale for what should prove to be this season's greatest breakthrough since a Scotsman in a kilt sat on a spike.
BREAKING NEWS!!!!!
THE ROGUE UTERUS HAS BEEN CAUGHT!!!!!!
The uterus that escaped from the body of Mrs. Edith Frund has been successfully recaptured. It seems that the uterus was trying to kite at a local bank when it was apprehended. A line-up was begun and Mrs. Frund picked it out first crack. "I'd know that any where," she said. "After all, you don't have something in your body that long without recognizing it." Mr. Frund was noticibly offended by that last remark, but as he was the father of 22 his look was mistaken for one of abject misery.
The uterus was released into the body cavity of Mrs. Frund until its trial date. No word on the woman it kidnapped. She is presumed dead. "Bad luck, that," said Sheriff Lemar "Kill 'em all" Chopnofsky, "But at least that ladies thingy is back in Mrs. Frund."
********
With the close of summer it is not too early to begin thinking about Easter, and Phelgm's Dept. Store is ready with all your egg-coloring, rabbit buying, and candy eating needs. New this year is the customized dead rabbit, a great conversation piece and a learning toy for the kiddies. Every child should know about death, and what better way to teach them than by getting them a customized dead rabbit. Each rabbit comes with a miniature scalpel, for performing an autopsy, and a can of spray pait for writing the name of the child on it's pelt. And Phelgm's reminds its patrons that these rabbit kits will NOT be on sale.
That's Phelgm's Dept. Store, proudly not having sales since 1915.
*******
Mayor Applewhanger and the entire police force once again tried unsuccessfully to turn Ma Pyewackit and her son Henry into the street, but as long as Ma has those pictures of the Mayor and the choral group, and the dachsund, he will be forever thwarted it seems.
********
The Howzaboutaplay Company, our local community theater group, is proud to announce that it will be presenting the play "Equus", staring Leona Lumpkin as Lady Godiva and her goiter as the white charger she rides on. Also in the cast are Alonzo Martayne as Hitler and Fredo Lonesdale as the mysterious man in the soiled trenchcoat. Tickets are now on sale for what should prove to be this season's greatest breakthrough since a Scotsman in a kilt sat on a spike.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
A NOTE FROM NOTEWORTHY
To all you rabid fans (all one of you by the look of this blog's followers--kind of sort of makes me wonder why I'm doing this) of news from Tawdreyville, this will be the last post for a while, whilst I get my computer fixed. Can't understand what went wrong--I primed it with gasoline like the manual said, pulled the rip cord and all I heard was a few pathetic "ta-pokketa-ta-pokketas" and then it went dead.
And here I thought the salesman said Evenrude made a good computer!
So until futher notice, all one of you will have to just "jones" for the news a while until things get back to abnormal around the Noteworthy household. Till then, I leave you with something Mr. Tawdrey once told me--"Get a life, you miserable waste of choromsomes!".
I always smile at that. And just what are YOU smiling at? Hmm? Oh you dirty devil, you!
And here I thought the salesman said Evenrude made a good computer!
So until futher notice, all one of you will have to just "jones" for the news a while until things get back to abnormal around the Noteworthy household. Till then, I leave you with something Mr. Tawdrey once told me--"Get a life, you miserable waste of choromsomes!".
I always smile at that. And just what are YOU smiling at? Hmm? Oh you dirty devil, you!
Monday, August 17, 2009
And now, a few words from E. J. Tawdrey....
Do I have to write something? Couldn't one of those no-talent hacks that I employ in the mines dip their stump in an inkwell and dribble out some crap for the few pathetic losers who happen to stumble upon this blog? Hmm? My lawyer? Court ordered? Community service you say? Damn and blast! Community service! Bah! The one time I go joy riding I hit one, only one mind you, van full of nuns and you'd think I'd killed Elvis, for pity's sake. I mean, they weren't even killed! Just horribly maimed. Cheese and rice!
Well, if I must...
Harumph! This is E.J. Tawdrey, owner and CEO of the Tawdrey Co., makers of fine gifts and products for the home for over a century. I'm addressing you today because,... I have to. So....how are you? Did you have a nice day today? I-I--I can't do this! I can't write this sort of drivel, writing to people who I have no respect for--pasty-faced pathetic losers who would rather click on a mouse than actually interact with another human being in face-to-face contact. You all make me sick. That's it, I'm through! Stick a fork in me, I'm done! I need to take a shower to wash the stench of loserdom off me! Quick, bring me a minion to kick! No, not the dog, you fool! I like animals! Bring me a small child! Hurry, hurry!
This has been a message from E. J. Tawdrey, president and CEO of the Tawdrey Co., makers of Tawdrey gifts for over a century. And remember their slogan, if you really care about someone, get them a Tawdrey gift.
Well, if I must...
Harumph! This is E.J. Tawdrey, owner and CEO of the Tawdrey Co., makers of fine gifts and products for the home for over a century. I'm addressing you today because,... I have to. So....how are you? Did you have a nice day today? I-I--I can't do this! I can't write this sort of drivel, writing to people who I have no respect for--pasty-faced pathetic losers who would rather click on a mouse than actually interact with another human being in face-to-face contact. You all make me sick. That's it, I'm through! Stick a fork in me, I'm done! I need to take a shower to wash the stench of loserdom off me! Quick, bring me a minion to kick! No, not the dog, you fool! I like animals! Bring me a small child! Hurry, hurry!
This has been a message from E. J. Tawdrey, president and CEO of the Tawdrey Co., makers of Tawdrey gifts for over a century. And remember their slogan, if you really care about someone, get them a Tawdrey gift.
Friday, August 14, 2009
Report for Aug. 14, 2009
BREAKING NEWS!!!---The rogue uterus that has been on the run from Mrs. Edith Frund was seen in the vicinity of the Tawdreyville Grammar and Reform School today. Police sent in a S.W.A.T. team but managed to only shoot 35 children, killing 10 outright and wounding the others. The uterus managed to make a clean getaway, but not before taking lunch lady Ethel Burffin, hostage. Mrs. Burffin, 58, is the wife of local ironmonger Cletus Burffin. She was the former Ethel Wininik, winner of the "Miss Spastic Colon" contest in 1972. No word from either the uterus or Mrs. Burffin. Mr. Burffin couldn't be reached for comment as he was too busy dancing in the street and opening champagne bottles.
******
Terrance and Formica DePlante beg leave to announce the opening of their dance studio on the 408th floor of the Tawdrey Flat Iron Building. For a modest fee persons wishing to learn the art of terpsicory will be taught all the latest dance steps, such as the Bunny Hug, the Tango, the Hot Foot, and the Amuptation Glide. That's Terrance and Formica DePlante's Dance Studio, formerly the Terrance and Formica DePlante School of Refridgerator Repair, located on the 408th floor of the Tawdrey Flatiron building in downtown Tawdreyville.
********
Junior Junior Jr., son of Junior Junior, has been discharged from the WACs after only three hours service. Junior Junior Jr. explained that he would have been in longer if hadn't been for the physical. Junior plans to apply for service connected pension as he claims he has suffered mental anguish as a result of being exposed to all that female flesh and not being able to take advantage of them. Said Junior Jr. "Geeze, I haven't had it in weeks!" We predict that Junior Jr. will be spending a great deal of time in Leavenworth.
******
Catharine Noteworthy, wife of your humble correspondent, was seen in the nearby town of East Gasp in the company of a certain man of questionable repute, namely her father. Police have been alerted.
*****
And that's about it for the week here in Tawdreyville. See you Monday. Oh, and how was YOUR week? Hmm? Oh, you devil you!
******
Terrance and Formica DePlante beg leave to announce the opening of their dance studio on the 408th floor of the Tawdrey Flat Iron Building. For a modest fee persons wishing to learn the art of terpsicory will be taught all the latest dance steps, such as the Bunny Hug, the Tango, the Hot Foot, and the Amuptation Glide. That's Terrance and Formica DePlante's Dance Studio, formerly the Terrance and Formica DePlante School of Refridgerator Repair, located on the 408th floor of the Tawdrey Flatiron building in downtown Tawdreyville.
********
Junior Junior Jr., son of Junior Junior, has been discharged from the WACs after only three hours service. Junior Junior Jr. explained that he would have been in longer if hadn't been for the physical. Junior plans to apply for service connected pension as he claims he has suffered mental anguish as a result of being exposed to all that female flesh and not being able to take advantage of them. Said Junior Jr. "Geeze, I haven't had it in weeks!" We predict that Junior Jr. will be spending a great deal of time in Leavenworth.
******
Catharine Noteworthy, wife of your humble correspondent, was seen in the nearby town of East Gasp in the company of a certain man of questionable repute, namely her father. Police have been alerted.
*****
And that's about it for the week here in Tawdreyville. See you Monday. Oh, and how was YOUR week? Hmm? Oh, you devil you!
BIG NO SALE!!!!
Phelgm's Dept. Store, located on the corner of Brainwaste and Thropp Streets, is proud to announce that it is NOT having a back-to-school sale. All that your child might need for his or her or its back to school necessities like pencils (lead filling and erasers are extra), paper, glue (fresh from Filstrup's Nearly Dead Horse Farm) and machine guns are currently NOT on sale down at Phelgm's. That's Phelgm's Dept. Store, proudly not having sales since 1915.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
NEWS REPORT FOR AUGUST 13, 2009
The uterus belonging to Mrs. Frund, which made a break for it as reported in our last dispatch, is still at large. It is feared that now the uterus is armed and dangerous and may be in the company of escaped lunatic Ezra. There was an unfounded report that something answering the rogue uterus' description was hiding out in the haunted farm house along old route 27, but it turned out to be a length of lower intestine belonging to a Miss Tillie Fielding of 123 Pimplenose Terrace, East Gasp, disguised as a uterus. The police have no leads but have taken most of the citizenry into custody just to be sure.
*****
Local playboys, Clive Throttlebottom and Roderick Penfleegle, were seen with grins on their faces on our main street today. They no doubt were having one of their typical gay old times together. Clive will be leaving Tawdreyville to assume his position as editor of "The Watchtower" magazine in September and Roderick will be resuming his former position as a rent boy any day now. We wish them much luck and hope to never see them again.
*****
Now appearing nightly at the Nip Nap Inn will be Carlos Fernwilter and his Heavily Medicated Orchestra. Carlos and the boys are just back from a world-wind tour and are looking forward to settling down at the Nip Nap for a long engagement. Their featured vocalist is, as always, Lamar Splunge, who had that big hit in 1951, "Who Spit In My Loafers?". Singing back up will be Hedwig and Otto Fenstermacher, otherwise known as "The Trilling Teutons". Should be a good show.
*****
Joe Flup, owner of the Toes Up Tavern out on route 9 recently celebrated a milestone. He threw out his 300th drunk. Mr. Tawedrey had no comment.
******
Leslie J. Tawdrey, son of multi-millionaire E. J. Tawdrey, has recently written a book entitled "How To Pick Up Girls". The secret to picking up girls, according to Tawdrey Jr. is to "lift with your legs." There's something to that, you know.
*****
Local playboys, Clive Throttlebottom and Roderick Penfleegle, were seen with grins on their faces on our main street today. They no doubt were having one of their typical gay old times together. Clive will be leaving Tawdreyville to assume his position as editor of "The Watchtower" magazine in September and Roderick will be resuming his former position as a rent boy any day now. We wish them much luck and hope to never see them again.
*****
Now appearing nightly at the Nip Nap Inn will be Carlos Fernwilter and his Heavily Medicated Orchestra. Carlos and the boys are just back from a world-wind tour and are looking forward to settling down at the Nip Nap for a long engagement. Their featured vocalist is, as always, Lamar Splunge, who had that big hit in 1951, "Who Spit In My Loafers?". Singing back up will be Hedwig and Otto Fenstermacher, otherwise known as "The Trilling Teutons". Should be a good show.
*****
Joe Flup, owner of the Toes Up Tavern out on route 9 recently celebrated a milestone. He threw out his 300th drunk. Mr. Tawedrey had no comment.
******
Leslie J. Tawdrey, son of multi-millionaire E. J. Tawdrey, has recently written a book entitled "How To Pick Up Girls". The secret to picking up girls, according to Tawdrey Jr. is to "lift with your legs." There's something to that, you know.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Breaking News
Mrs. Edith Frund, wife of the well-known professional Lazee-Boy recliner tester, Otto Frund, gave birth to her 22nd child last Sunday. Mother and child are fine. When asked what they will be calling the new addition to the family Mrs. Frund stated that she would be calling it "Quits".
Shortly after this her uterus fell out and made a bolt for the door and successfully escaped from the E. J. Tawdrey Memorial Hospital and Crematorium. It is still at large and police are on the look out for it.
*********
Leona Lumpkin, strangely attractive daughter of Pop Lumpkin, owner of the Merle, East Patterson, NJ's last remaining drive-in movie theater, located way out on route 27, not the new one but the old one, down the winding road, past the haunted farm house, just a sharp turn at the dead-end sign and there you'll find it, the Merle, has gone in to the hospital to have some cosemetic surgery done. She is planning to have her goiter enlarged. "I hope to have it the size of a small child when I'm done", said the stragely alluring Miss Lumpkin. The goiter was not available for comment.
**********
Still no word on the whereabouts of escaped mental patient Ezra, who was formerly locked in the attic of Ma Pyewackit's boarding house. "Oh I do hope they'll find Ezra soon," said a distraught Ma, "I'm worried about him. I miss the sound of him dragging his chains across the ceiling studs and the funny way he moaned, and of course his monthly Social Security check . The house just isn't the same wqithout him." Ma has offered a reward of a home-cooked meal to the person who finds Ezra. Her son, Henry, is offering $25.00 if you don't find him.
Shortly after this her uterus fell out and made a bolt for the door and successfully escaped from the E. J. Tawdrey Memorial Hospital and Crematorium. It is still at large and police are on the look out for it.
*********
Leona Lumpkin, strangely attractive daughter of Pop Lumpkin, owner of the Merle, East Patterson, NJ's last remaining drive-in movie theater, located way out on route 27, not the new one but the old one, down the winding road, past the haunted farm house, just a sharp turn at the dead-end sign and there you'll find it, the Merle, has gone in to the hospital to have some cosemetic surgery done. She is planning to have her goiter enlarged. "I hope to have it the size of a small child when I'm done", said the stragely alluring Miss Lumpkin. The goiter was not available for comment.
**********
Still no word on the whereabouts of escaped mental patient Ezra, who was formerly locked in the attic of Ma Pyewackit's boarding house. "Oh I do hope they'll find Ezra soon," said a distraught Ma, "I'm worried about him. I miss the sound of him dragging his chains across the ceiling studs and the funny way he moaned, and of course his monthly Social Security check . The house just isn't the same wqithout him." Ma has offered a reward of a home-cooked meal to the person who finds Ezra. Her son, Henry, is offering $25.00 if you don't find him.
Welcome from E.J. Tawdrey, owner of the E. J. Tawdrey Gift Company
Hello all you worthless weasels who have nothing better to do than sit in front of a computer all day long, stuffing your fat faces full of cheese doodles or whatever crap you happen to have at hand, typing insipid things like, "I like pie" onto blogs like this one or trolling along sites that pander to deviant sexual practices which I only occassionally frequent and so what if I do, it's a free country AND I MIGHT ADD THAT I'M VERY RICH AND CAN DO AS I PLEASE!!!!
Ahem....
As I was saying, my lawyers have instructed me to welcome you all to this on-going (on-going? Oh, crap, does that mean I'm going to have to write all the time? Mannn....) report of news from Tawdreyville, which is owned and run by me. Located in that part of Nebraska that is so boring that it makes Quincy, IL look like Paris....Illinois.
Sooooo, that's it. Now get lost until something happens that bears writing about. Oh, and remember our company slogan, If You Really Care For Someone, Get Them A Tawdrey Gift.
Eustace J. Tawdrey
Owner of the E. J. Tawdrey Company
Makers of Tawdrey Gifts for over a century
Ahem....
As I was saying, my lawyers have instructed me to welcome you all to this on-going (on-going? Oh, crap, does that mean I'm going to have to write all the time? Mannn....) report of news from Tawdreyville, which is owned and run by me. Located in that part of Nebraska that is so boring that it makes Quincy, IL look like Paris....Illinois.
Sooooo, that's it. Now get lost until something happens that bears writing about. Oh, and remember our company slogan, If You Really Care For Someone, Get Them A Tawdrey Gift.
Eustace J. Tawdrey
Owner of the E. J. Tawdrey Company
Makers of Tawdrey Gifts for over a century
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