NEWS REPORT FOR AUGUST 13, 2009

The uterus belonging to Mrs. Frund, which made a break for it as reported in our last dispatch, is still at large. It is feared that now the uterus is armed and dangerous and may be in the company of escaped lunatic Ezra. There was an unfounded report that something answering the rogue uterus' description was hiding out in the haunted farm house along old route 27, but it turned out to be a length of lower intestine belonging to a Miss Tillie Fielding of 123 Pimplenose Terrace, East Gasp, disguised as a uterus. The police have no leads but have taken most of the citizenry into custody just to be sure.



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Local playboys, Clive Throttlebottom and Roderick Penfleegle, were seen with grins on their faces on our main street today. They no doubt were having one of their typical gay old times together. Clive will be leaving Tawdreyville to assume his position as editor of "The Watchtower" magazine in September and Roderick will be resuming his former position as a rent boy any day now. We wish them much luck and hope to never see them again.



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Now appearing nightly at the Nip Nap Inn will be Carlos Fernwilter and his Heavily Medicated Orchestra. Carlos and the boys are just back from a world-wind tour and are looking forward to settling down at the Nip Nap for a long engagement. Their featured vocalist is, as always, Lamar Splunge, who had that big hit in 1951, "Who Spit In My Loafers?". Singing back up will be Hedwig and Otto Fenstermacher, otherwise known as "The Trilling Teutons". Should be a good show.



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Joe Flup, owner of the Toes Up Tavern out on route 9 recently celebrated a milestone. He threw out his 300th drunk. Mr. Tawedrey had no comment.



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Leslie J. Tawdrey, son of multi-millionaire E. J. Tawdrey, has recently written a book entitled "How To Pick Up Girls". The secret to picking up girls, according to Tawdrey Jr. is to "lift with your legs." There's something to that, you know.