Do I have to write something? Couldn't one of those no-talent hacks that I employ in the mines dip their stump in an inkwell and dribble out some crap for the few pathetic losers who happen to stumble upon this blog? Hmm? My lawyer? Court ordered? Community service you say? Damn and blast! Community service! Bah! The one time I go joy riding I hit one, only one mind you, van full of nuns and you'd think I'd killed Elvis, for pity's sake. I mean, they weren't even killed! Just horribly maimed. Cheese and rice!
Well, if I must...
Harumph! This is E.J. Tawdrey, owner and CEO of the Tawdrey Co., makers of fine gifts and products for the home for over a century. I'm addressing you today because,... I have to. So....how are you? Did you have a nice day today? I-I--I can't do this! I can't write this sort of drivel, writing to people who I have no respect for--pasty-faced pathetic losers who would rather click on a mouse than actually interact with another human being in face-to-face contact. You all make me sick. That's it, I'm through! Stick a fork in me, I'm done! I need to take a shower to wash the stench of loserdom off me! Quick, bring me a minion to kick! No, not the dog, you fool! I like animals! Bring me a small child! Hurry, hurry!
This has been a message from E. J. Tawdrey, president and CEO of the Tawdrey Co., makers of Tawdrey gifts for over a century. And remember their slogan, if you really care about someone, get them a Tawdrey gift.
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