Mrs. Edith Frund, wife of the well-known professional Lazee-Boy recliner tester, Otto Frund, gave birth to her 22nd child last Sunday. Mother and child are fine. When asked what they will be calling the new addition to the family Mrs. Frund stated that she would be calling it "Quits".
Shortly after this her uterus fell out and made a bolt for the door and successfully escaped from the E. J. Tawdrey Memorial Hospital and Crematorium. It is still at large and police are on the look out for it.
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Leona Lumpkin, strangely attractive daughter of Pop Lumpkin, owner of the Merle, East Patterson, NJ's last remaining drive-in movie theater, located way out on route 27, not the new one but the old one, down the winding road, past the haunted farm house, just a sharp turn at the dead-end sign and there you'll find it, the Merle, has gone in to the hospital to have some cosemetic surgery done. She is planning to have her goiter enlarged. "I hope to have it the size of a small child when I'm done", said the stragely alluring Miss Lumpkin. The goiter was not available for comment.
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Still no word on the whereabouts of escaped mental patient Ezra, who was formerly locked in the attic of Ma Pyewackit's boarding house. "Oh I do hope they'll find Ezra soon," said a distraught Ma, "I'm worried about him. I miss the sound of him dragging his chains across the ceiling studs and the funny way he moaned, and of course his monthly Social Security check . The house just isn't the same wqithout him." Ma has offered a reward of a home-cooked meal to the person who finds Ezra. Her son, Henry, is offering $25.00 if you don't find him.
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