Report for Aug. 14, 2009

BREAKING NEWS!!!---The rogue uterus that has been on the run from Mrs. Edith Frund was seen in the vicinity of the Tawdreyville Grammar and Reform School today. Police sent in a S.W.A.T. team but managed to only shoot 35 children, killing 10 outright and wounding the others. The uterus managed to make a clean getaway, but not before taking lunch lady Ethel Burffin, hostage. Mrs. Burffin, 58, is the wife of local ironmonger Cletus Burffin. She was the former Ethel Wininik, winner of the "Miss Spastic Colon" contest in 1972. No word from either the uterus or Mrs. Burffin. Mr. Burffin couldn't be reached for comment as he was too busy dancing in the street and opening champagne bottles.

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Terrance and Formica DePlante beg leave to announce the opening of their dance studio on the 408th floor of the Tawdrey Flat Iron Building. For a modest fee persons wishing to learn the art of terpsicory will be taught all the latest dance steps, such as the Bunny Hug, the Tango, the Hot Foot, and the Amuptation Glide. That's Terrance and Formica DePlante's Dance Studio, formerly the Terrance and Formica DePlante School of Refridgerator Repair, located on the 408th floor of the Tawdrey Flatiron building in downtown Tawdreyville.

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Junior Junior Jr., son of Junior Junior, has been discharged from the WACs after only three hours service. Junior Junior Jr. explained that he would have been in longer if hadn't been for the physical. Junior plans to apply for service connected pension as he claims he has suffered mental anguish as a result of being exposed to all that female flesh and not being able to take advantage of them. Said Junior Jr. "Geeze, I haven't had it in weeks!" We predict that Junior Jr. will be spending a great deal of time in Leavenworth.

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Catharine Noteworthy, wife of your humble correspondent, was seen in the nearby town of East Gasp in the company of a certain man of questionable repute, namely her father. Police have been alerted.

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And that's about it for the week here in Tawdreyville. See you Monday. Oh, and how was YOUR week? Hmm? Oh, you devil you!