Twadrey Alamanac

Well the E.J. Tawdrey Alamanack has arrived in my mailbox today and it certainly is a stellar publication, ranking rigfht up there with the Bible and The Poky Little Puppy when it comes to good reading. And is it absorbitant!

Ther new 2009-2010 edition is chock-a-block full of household hints, receipes, and advice for the common man. I see that the weather prognosticator has delcared that we will positively have some in the new year. And they haven't been werong yet, bedad.

There's even a full color centerfold of a bare foot, sponsored by the Association of American Foot Fetishists. They do seem to be gaining a foothold everywhere. 'Spose its because they know how to toe the line and steer clear of ticklish situations.

Our local stores have advertised in the new alamanac, stores such as Phelgm's Dept. Store, proudly not having sales since 1915, and of course the E.J. Tawdrey Co., purveyors of Tawdrey gifts for nearly 100 years.

All in all this is just the perfect book for those long sessions when you're alone with your thoughts, right after a heavy meal, and you have no access to proper lavatory paper. Be sure and get your copy today.

Some Helpful Advice from...Glut Dollup

Glut Dollup is not a professional advisor, but merely a concerned father. He is also the poet-laurate of Tawdreyville and owner of the largest slaughter house in the tri-county area.

Recently his daughter, Petunia, turned 13 and in an effort to tell her about the "birds and bees" he wrote down some thoughts in a lovely poem. Mr. Dollup had graciously allowed us here to reprint the poem, in hopes that it will help other parents when it comes time to tell their children about the facts of life.

Petunia my dearest, Oh lovely Miss Dollup,
It is my fervent hope that you don't become a trollop.

You've reached a new milestone, and everything's quakey,
But don't just let your morals become shakey.

For being with a boy has quite a ring,
And everyone likes a little bling,
But nine months later you'll have a little thing,
That only that dastardly stork can bring.

So keep your legs closed, your undies in the freezer,
Or your old man will swat you on the beezer.

Oh dear Petunia, darling Miss Dollup,
Here' s hoping you don't grow up to be a trollop.

Like your sister.

Now THAT'S poetry!!!!!

Some Thoughts on the Subject of Feet, by Tobias Hackner

Feet, those glorious pedal extremities placed conveniently on the end of your legs to keep your shins from fraying. How I love them. Is that so wrong? Ask yourself this question? If it wasn't for feet, how could we run away from danger, or responsibility? Hmm?

Think about all of the wonderful things you can do with feet. You can dance with them (well you can use them for dancing--you can't actually dance with them, unless they're detachable), you can stand on tip toe, you can sneak around on your loved ones with them, and best of all, you can tickle them.

I think back to those glorious nights in old Austria, when I was a young lad. Oh the ladies that would parade their feet around me. And I, being red-blooded and perverted--er, I mean verile-yes, that's it--verile--would sidle up to them, and engage them in conversation. Then, when they least expected it, out would come the chloroform. One whiff and they were usually out like a light.

Then I would take them to my special "playroom" and we would have a lot of laughs. Well, to be honest, they would be the ones laughing, as I used all of my "devices" on their sensitive bare feet. Then I would---

THE REST OF THIS POSTING HAS BEEN CENSORED BY ORDER OF E.J. TAWDREY. IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO READ ABOUT MR. HACKNER'S EXPLOITS IN DETAIL, THEN YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A WEASELLY LITTLE PERVERT WHAT OUGHT TO BE SEALED IN A SMALL CELL FOR ALL ETERNITY.

SERIOUSLY, HACKNER'S ACCOUNT IS REALLY HOT--TRUST ME. THE LAST LINE ABOVE WAS MAINLY TO THROW MR. TAWDREY OFF THE SCENT--THOUGH THE BIG HYPOCRITE IS KNOWN TO TICKLE A FEW LADIES FROM TIME TO TIME HIMSELF. BUT SINCE HE'S RICH ITS OKAY. THERE ALWAYS SEEMS TO BE ONE LAW FOR THE RICH AND ONE FOR THE POOR AND SEXUALLY FRUSTRATED. I TELL YOU, I---

This post has been re-censored by DOPES, the Decent Oppressed People Everywhere Society, who are also, I might add, heavily into tickling.

An Apology For My Lack of Committment

I must start off by apologizing to everyone, all one of you, who read this blog like it is the word of God. I haven't written much lately because, frankly, I find it diffcult to be amusing when I am not feeling well. I wish I could just turn on the wittiness like a faucet--but nothing gets better if you "faucet", you know.

Then there is Mr. Tawdrey, who has put a gag order on this blog. It was at the recent town meeting where he got up and railed against this blog and me, shouting things like, "I haven't got time to pander to the lowest common denominators of society who hang around their computers like they were trying to ask them to marry them. Why don't they drag their pale bodies into the sun and interact with flesh and blood human-beings? Huh?!"

Then he began to rant at a fever pitch, which led to the enevitable foaming at the mouth and falling over backwards. Finally two attendants had to place him in a straightjacket and haul his sorry carcas away on a dolly. Dolly Mickelmass, to be specific. And she was none to pleased to have Mr. Tawdrey placed on top of her and hauled out. And who can blame her? Well, I can think of a lot of people. But that's neither here nor there. As the lawyer trying desperately to keep those named in the will from striking each other with axes said, "Let's not split heirs!"

But I digress....

Now where was I? Oh yes. So this is why I haven't written anything. I trust you'll understand. And even if you don't, who cares?

Some Labor Day Thoughts, from E.J. Tawdrey

Labor Day, huh? Yet another day off for slackers and malcontents. And what will they be doing on their day off? Whinging about how awful their jobs are and how hard they have to work, while in actuality it is us, the business owners, who work the hardest, making sure those greedy, unwashed bottom feeders who work for us don't rob us blind. If I had a quarter for every time a so-called "employee" took an unwarranted bathroom break or a lunch break, I'd be even richer than I am now (and I am hugely rich!!). Let them have bodily functions on their own time and as for eating--isn't that what they should be doing in the privacy of their own homes? These breaks rob me of time--time which could be used to manufacture more of the fine products which my company produces.

But noooooo! The Feds up in DC (lousy commie rats the lot of 'em) insist that this is a holiday--and what's worse--a paid holiday at that! So there's nothing I can do but close the sweat sh---I mean the clean and well-ventilated factory and allow everyone to enjoy their day off.

So wallow in the muck, you filthy pieces of primordial ooze--you slugs--you mouth-breathers (and I mean that in a good way)--enjoy your picnics and hot dogs and families--for its going to be a long time before the next holiday--and till then just remember, I own you and plan to work you till you drop!!!!

Oh, and remember our company slogan, if you really care about someone, get them a Tawdrey gift. Now get out of my sight--you all depress me.

______

Thank you for those inspirational words, Mr. Tawdrey, sir.

AN NOW AN IMPORTENT WORD FROM E.J. TAWDREY

Pickles.





THIS HAS BEEN AN IMPORTANT WORD FROM E.J. TAWDREY.

And Now, An Editorial From A Whack Job

(From time to time, we here at the Tawdrey News, allow people to write in with their opinions. After we get done laughing at them and ridculing them we sometimes even publish them. This is one of those times.)


I'd like to thank the editor of this blog for allowing me the space to comment on something that is sure to affect all of our lives. I'm talking about health care reform, specifically our President's new plans.



Now I don't read newspapers or watch TV--they're both tools of Satan, but I do listen to unfounded rumors and what I've heard recently made the hairs on my cyst stand up. Can you believe that our President, Al Jolson, has actually proposed that we catch and kill anyone over the age of 40 and grind them into a fine flour and in turn bake the flour into tasty snack cakes with which to feed children on? I couldn't believe it, but my friend who told this to me never hardly lies.



I think this is heinous! Its outageous! I mean, everyone knows people over 60 make the best flour! And why should children be the only recipients of tasty snack cakes? Hm? Why not middle aged men who frequent children's beauty pageants in their rain coats be allowed to sup from this life-giving force?



I think Pres. Sammy Davis Jr. should go back to the Rat Pack where he belongs and leave the running (and the killing and milling of the elderly) to those who truly know what they are doing. Why did we elect a one-eyed singer in the first place? Personally, I voted for Harry Truman at the last election. Oh, true, he'll have to drop the bomb in order to get those dirty yellow nips to come around to our way of thinking, but at least he has a comely daughter who can't sing a lick. And he is from Independence,MO, for corn sakes!

Oh well, just remember, they laughed at Bob Hope.

Sincerley,

E.J. Gobblsox (Mrs.)

(Mrs. G.'s views are not necessarily the views followed by this blog (well maybe by Mr. Tawdrey) so don't get all screechy and up in our grill about this letter. This is the last time we will be running an editoral comment. Oh, and please address all hate mail to the dead letter office. c/o your local post office.)